What is your purpose to give a presentation? Hmm… Maybe you do not want to win the hearts of millions of listeners and make them come again to learn more? Maybe you want to get rid of them as soon as possible and never see them again, to give your presentation as quickly as it possible and to forget about it all forever?
Well, and this purpose has a right to exist as well :) We sure you understand this is a joke. But every joke is a joke only at certain part. It will be easier to understand how not to act if you try to imagine such anti-examples. And we are sure that YOUR presentation will be brilliant!
Well, if you still want it to fail - read carefully!
Start with an apology
Your apology should be very emotional and self-deprecating. Tell them that you are a bad speaker, say how poorly prepared you are, how bad you are in time management and why you were late (by the way, don't forget to come to the presentation as late as possible - you're an important person, make them wait!). Accompany your apology with a grin and hide your eyes. Be sure – a negative impression of your presentation has already started!
Read it all
Read the text of your presentation word-for-word, without looking at your audience's faces. Get it together, finally, with all your efforts – and become a good speaking second screen, repeat everything literally – at last, you've spent your precious time and wrote these brilliant words on this bright background, and even accompanied it by pictures! Wow! This text deserves to be read from the first to the last letter!
Don't look at them
Look down, stare at the wall, inspect your table – anywhere you want, but not at your listeners. Suddenly among them will be the person with the evil eye, who is able to send upon you the curse only with one-moment eye contact! Or one of them will guess that you haven't brushed your teeth or in your pocket there is a big yesterday's sandwich. Anyway, you shouldn’t allow this dangerous familiarity, these glances to each other's eyes - you're not on a date. Don't look at them at all!
Hide your hands
Keep your hands in pockets or behind the back. Stand in the power position, put your hands on your chest, and even better, cross your legs. Show to all these strangers that you are a completely private and closed person and not going to share any secret information or even your own energy space with them. Even then, you're not friends! It is enough that your neighbors drink your blood daily, do not allow yourself to be open to some unfamiliar listeners!
Hide yourself, too
There is one little secret of how you can distance more and more to provide your own security. Sit down behind a desk or stand behind a high podium. It's like a child hiding in the house of the pillows: you are not a person who can't be heard, they also can't see you, perhaps, except the tallest representatives of the audience - but that is the cost of the process. It is better even to run behind the scenes and give your presentation with the microphone. On stage you can put your portrait. Great idea!
Speak without pauses
A pause is a waste of time, and time, among other things, worth your money. And you didn't come here to waste it on meaningless silence. Start vigorously and do not stop until you have enough breath (or no persons stay in a hall - it will happen quite quickly). And don't show any emotion, you're not auditioning for the lead role in some Hollywood romantic melodrama. You are a serious person, so keep the seriousness to the end. Even better, read the entire speech in the same tone and quickly run away.
What is this, a questionnaire here? A club of questioning and answering? Let them read books or, in the end, they are not banned in Google. If someone asks a difficult question or you don't know how to answer? Why you should put yourself in such a problematic situation? Oh, no, no questions. And if someone would even dare, and you will not find the answer, don't forget to make fun of him - whom he considers himself? He sure that knows the topic better than you? So please just come here and give this presentation!
Say your last word and leave like you are blown away with the wind. There is no need to thank these people for giving you a boring hour. Absolutely no need to invite them to learn more, to tell stories or to inspire them – why you should do this? They are not your friends. And there is a hot dinner at home… At last, you're the star of the presentation and the respectable man. So finish this stuff quickly and leave the room with your head held high.
Voila! Your presentation is completely failed, and these people will never come to you again.
But is this really what you want? :)
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